A Drawn Bet.
(To A. D.)
At Bath, when great Beau Nash was King,1
There happened once a curious Thing.2
A Beauty, Betty Clare by name,3
Set all the Dandies’ hearts aflame.4
Nay, Elders, as they sipped the Waters,5
Preferred her to their grown-up Daughters ;6
And what is even stranger still,7
Her Rivals showed her no Ill-will ;—8
In short, so potent was her Charm9
That not a Woman wished her Harm.10
The oddest thing is still to tell—11
’Twas at Sir Humphry’s it befell.12
One day Sir Humphry gave a Turtle13
To Astley Coates and the MacWhirtle,14
And half a dozen Bucks beside,15
Whose Names need scarce be specified ;16
Suffice to say no smarter Beaux17
E’er staked a Guinea at E. O. ;18
And all agreed to praise the Air,19
The Dress, the Wit, of Betty Clare.20
Only Sir Humphry was in doubt ;21
But then, Sir Humphry had the Gout.22
He said, as from his damson Cuff23
He flicked some Particles of Snuff,24
“ I quite allow her Face is Fair,25
I like the Colour of her Hair,26
And much applaud her Disregard27
Of Powder, Patches, Rouge, and Lard.28
She has a Style, is finely bred,29
And like a Deer she holds her Head ;30
Her voice is soft, and sweet, and clear,31
Her Wit like—What-d’ye-call-em’s Spear,32
A Touch, and all Disguise is down ;33
Beneath the Spark appears the Clown.34
And yet—and yet—” (He tapped his Box35
And wisely shook his powdered Locks)—36
“ She has one Fault with all her Grace,37
She never looks you in the Face.”38
“ What ! what ! ” cried half a dozen Tongues.39
“ A shame ! a shame ! ” “ Pray save your lungs,”40
Sir Humphry said. “ Just think a minute,41
And then you’ll own there’s Something in it.42
You praised her. Scarce a thing that’s hers43
Escaped her gallant Worshippers.44
Her Nose, her Chin, her Hand, her Waist,45
With some sweet Epithet was graced.46
You even praised her Négligée,47
And how she sipped her Dish of Tea.48
Egad ! I think that she was sent49
To make you Dandies eloquent.50
But yet, I marked with some Surprise,51
That no one spoke about her Eyes.52
Come, tell their Colour, if you can,53
And I shall be a wiser Man.”54
He spoke, but there were no Replies.55
“ What was the Colour of those Eyes ? ”—56
Which surely had not idle been ;57
Although, perchance, not fully seen.58
They all recalled the Looks of Love59
They’d wasted in the Orange-Grove,60
How they had tracked the pretty Maid61
From Barton Fields to South Parade ;62
How firmly, when they passed, they found63
Her Eyelids settled on the Ground,64
How, when they grew a little bolder,65
And turned, they saw—the neatest—Shoulder.66
And some remembered sudden Flashes67
Shot bright between long silken Lashes ;68
A Glance diverted from a Book,69
A smile made sweeter by a Look.70
What Eyes ! Sure Hebe’s own were duller !71
But still—what was—what was the Colour ?72
“ They’re Black,” at last MacWhirtle cried.73
And Astley would have said he lied ;74
But stopped and stammered, “ I should say75
That they were either Blue or Gray,76
But Light they are.” Then with a Frown77
Another swore that they were Brown.78
“ You might as well have called them Red.79
They’re Violet,” another said.80
Then Words grew high, and Tempers short.81
Sir Humphry chuckled at the Sport,82
Till fearing it might end in Blows83
He thought it right to interpose.84
“ My Friends,” he said, “ I plainly see,85
To-day, at least, you’ll not agree ;86
To-morrow you may find it clear,87
And I propose that we meet here.88
Who’ll back his colour ? ” “ I, for one,”89
MacWhirtle said. The Knight said, “ Done.”90
“ I, too,” said Coates, and nothing loth,91
Sir Humphry smiled, and booked them both92
For Fifty Pound. Then all the rest93
Cried out, “ I, too,” as if possest.94
But calm Sir Humphry, with a grin,95
Gently declined to take them in.96
They parted, and they met again.97
MacWhirtle’s face showed signs of Pain,98
And Coates’, of Joy. Full soon they burst99
Out with their Tales, MacWhirtle first :100
“ In sooth, I’ve little, Sir, to say.101
I went to work a foolish Way.102
Two steps from here I met a Coach,103
And in it who but Andrew Roach.104
To him I plainly told my Need.105
He said, ‘ I’ll prove a Friend indeed.106
I know her Brother passing well,107
Both he and I at Trowbridge dwell.108
Jump in. To-night he comes to sup ;109
And in a Trice we’ll clear it up.’110
We went, and found our Bird had flown111
To Melksham, so we supped alone.112
We followed after Breakfast. Then113
We found he’d left for Bath at Ten.114
And here, at last, we closed the Chace ;115
Just now we met him Face to Face,116
But strange to say, this precious Brother117
Can’t tell one Colour from another.118
I’m sure they’re Black, but still must say,119
I know no more than yesterday.”120
Then Coates : “ I called and found her out,121
I caught her at the Hardwick’s Rout.122
I found her so surrounded then,123
I scarce could see her for the Men ;124
But knowing that she left to-day,125
I thought it time to make my Hay.126
Two mrtal Hours I had to wait,127
Before I got a Tête-à-tête ;128
But then, O what a Talk we had,129
Gey, playful, sentimental, sad.130
Our subjects would a Volume fill—131
We talked of Basset and Quadrille.132
We talked of Minuets and Buns,133
Of Country Dances, Sally-Lunns ;134
And then we took a bookish Turn,135
And spoke of Young’s ‘ Complaint,’ and Sterne,136
And then of Folly and the Fashons,137
Of all the Arts and all the Passions,138
Of Taste, of Cupid and his Wings ;—139
I fear I said some follish Things ;140
But straight as I the Theme forsook,141
She quickly brought me back to Book.142
And now and then her Eyes she raised,143
And in my Face quite frankly gazed,144
As if too read if what I said145
Came from the Heart or from the Head,146
And once, surprised with sudden Feeling,147
She turned them sweetly to the Ceiling.148
In short—’twas Modesty, I found,149
That makes he Eyes so love the gound.150
In short, Sir Knight that Fault you named151
Is one for which she can’t be blamed.152
In short—”153
“ ’Tis long, Sir !— You forget,”154
Sir Humphry cried, “ about the Bet !155
Her Eyes—their Colour.” As he spoke156
Young Astley jumped as if awoke.157
“ Her Eyes—of course, I ought o know ;158
I saw them straight before me—so.159
Their Colour—well, upon my word,160
The Fact is—really quite absurd.161
They were so bright and kind and true,162
I never though about their Hue.”163