[Note.—Orange Sauce is composed of the grated rind of bitter oranges,
horse-radish, mustard, cayenne pepper, &c. It is as important an adjunct to ham as brown bread and butter to whitebait, or
apple sauce to sucking- pig, and brings out in a marvellous manner certain delicate aromas, certain hidden subtleties of
flavour, which, without its aid, are almost imperceptible to an ordinary palate.
The story told in the following verses is based on fact, or rather on a dream, in which various facts bearing on the subject
were, by the phantastic spell of dyspepsia, strangely inverted and blended.]
I.
The lamps are lit in the banquet hall,1
And a glorious scene they light:2
A table, fair with fruit and flowers,3
With plate and crystal bright;4
Aglow with wealth of colour,5
With claret’s ruby beam,6
With the moonlight haze of Rhine wine,7
And sherry’s golden gleam.8
II.
While here and there, in contrast,9
Stand flasks of sober hue,10
The bottled bliss of Burgundy—11
The yellow seal—the blue;12
And high above their fellows—13
Of all grapes’ blood the flower—14
The regal magnums of champagne,15
Enthroned on ice-pails, tower.16
III.
But who could tell the glories,17
Of all the viands there,18
From every land collected,19
From earth and sea and air,20
From icy arctic deserts,21
From tropical Brazils,22
From shores of the misty Baltic,23
From bonny Scotland’s hills?24
IV.
From the blue Alsatian mountains,25
Came the geese’s liver “gras,”26
And the Russian sturgeon had yielded27
Its eggs, for the caviare;28
By the chine of a British oxen,29
Stood a savoury reindeer tongue,30
Which once had licked the snowy moss,31
Far Lapland’s plains among.32
V.
And there were those ducks, so luscious,33
Known as the “canvas-backed,”34
Which once on distant Texas’ lakes,35
A merry brood, had quacked;36
And salmon, which in Norway37
The rapids high had leapt,38
With silver trout from Scottish pools,39
There close together slept.40
VI.
And there was a Southdown “gigot,”41
Just lightly touched with “l’ail,”42
And fair in garb of vestal white,43
“Suprême de volaille;”44
And larks—the skylark’s note is sweet,45
As he soars through the morning air;46
But sweeter far is his tuneful breast,47
Cooked “en aspic” with care.48
VII.
And there, ah there, majestic,49
One dish stood in its pride,50
The banquet’s noblest trophy,51
All others paled beside;52
’Twas neither fish nor pastry,53
Nor beef, nor veal, nor lamb:54
In massive grandeur there it lay,55
A huge Westphalian Ham!56
VIII.
Vast was it, I ween, and shapely,57
A giant of its kind;58
You might search the wide world over59
Ere you its peer could find.60
And oh! the subtle fragrance,61
That from its core arose,62
Sweeter than when the warm south wind63
O’er beds of violets blows.64
IX.
But why, with all this splendour65
Spread out before his eyes,66
Stands the host, absorbed in moody thought,67
Heaving resounding sighs?68
And why, whene’er he glances69
Towards that glorious Ham,70
Does he murmur a monosyllable,71
Which I grieve to say is “Dam! ”?72
And why does he groan and mutter,73
In accents of remorse74
Whene’er at the clock he gazes:75
“The Sauce—the Orange Sauce! ”?76
The reason is this: it is ten minutes to twelve. At twelve the guests invited to the banquet are expected to arrive, and as yet
the host has not received the recipe for Orange Sauce, a preparation which will enhance a hundredfold the merits of the
Great Ham, the pièce de résistance of his banquet. At last he rings for the cook, and asks him what is to be done. “As a
man of feeling and conscience, as an epicure, there is but one course open to you,” said the cook: “leave the Ham for
some other day; the sacrifice is great, I admit, but such a Ham must not, and cannot be eaten except with Orange Sauce.” “ Impossible! ” replied the host, “my reputation as an Amphitryon depends on the success of this feast, and the crowning
triumph of the banquet is, as you know, that very Ham, which you would counsel me to put aside. No, it must not be! ” The cook,
aghast at this decision, threw himself on his knees, and implored his master not to commit the crime he intended, which he
averred ran little short of sacrilege, and which was an act of vandalism doubly reprehensible in so distinguished a
gastronome.
But the host was deaf to the expostulations of his faithful servant, and at last, losing his temper, swore a terrible oath, and
exclaimed that nothing in heaven or earth should stop him from eating the Ham that night, with or without the “Orange
Sauce.” With tears in his eyes, and dumb with horror, the cook left the room, and went to the kitchen, where he remained in
fervent prayer, hoping that the expected recipe might yet arrive in time to avert the impending catastrophe. Meanwhile:
X.
The cook had hardly left the room,77
When o’er the host there fell,78
A feeling of mysterious awe,79
Some supernatural spell.80
XI.
And o’er him crept, he knew not how,81
A shiver of terror and dread;82
As with lead oppressed, was his choking breast,83
And his hair stood up on his head.84
XII.
A something, a creeping, a horrible thing,85
Seemed to palsy every limb,86
And his blood so bold, ran icily cold,87
And his brain began to swim.88
XIII.
He tried to fly, but he could not fly,89
To the spot were glued his feet,90
And he tried to shriek, but he could not shriek,91
His heart ceased almost to beat.92
XIV.
And there in front of him, loomed the thing,93
Dark, shadowy, mystic, big;94
A weird, blue light around it played:95
’Twas a giant, spectral Pig!96
XV.
It spoke, and its voice had a ghastly sound,97
A hollow, mournful tone,98
As when the wind, round the house at night,99
Makes a plaintive, sobbing moan.100
XVI.
“Oh, I am the Ghost of the Pig,” it said,101
“Whose Ham on yonder board102
Stands worthy of the noblest maw—103
A morsel for a lord.104
That Ham—my Ham! No other105
Was e’er so fair and sleek,106
With its flesh of pink and pearly white,107
Like your beauties’ damask cheek.108
That Ham that you would venture109
(And here its voice grew hoarse),110
To eat, on this thrice-cursed night,111
Without the Orange Sauce!112
XVII.
“But from the realms of Pig-land,113
I have hither come with speed,114
To stop you from the doing115
Of such a heinous deed.116
Then listen, foolish mortal,117
To the words I have to say,118
And prepare, when I am ended,119
With your life for your crime to pay!120
XVII.
“In a forest of Westphalia,121
That land of noblest swine,122
I first came into being,123
The eldest one of nine.124
It was the merry spring-time,125
And earth and sky were gay,126
Ah! ’twere a glorious thing to live,127
If it were always May!128
XIX.
“In the green Westphalian forest,129
Beneath the oak-tree shade,130
A joyous band of sucklings,131
Our childish games we played;132
With capers and with scampers,133
We whiled those happy hours,134
What merry grunts of laughter,135
What squeals of joy were ours!136
XX.
“How we revelled in the pleasaunce,137
Of that gleeful forest-life,138
In innocent oblivion139
Of the fatal butcher’s knife.140
How we wantoned in the sunshine,141
In the music of the trees,142
As they sang in mighty chorus,143
To the anthems of the breeze.144
XXI.
“Oh! those greedy morning-feastings145
On the acorn, tender, sweet;146
And those lazy, dreamy baskings147
In the warm sun’s mellow heat;148
Whilst noonday peace and silence,149
Reigned o’er the forest all,150
Scarce broke by some far horn ringing,151
Or a blackbird’s melodious call.152
XXII.
“Out on the fools who fancy153
That pigs to nought aspire,154
Save to stuff, and gorge, and guzzle,155
And to wallow in the mire.156
Give them the leafy forest!157
Give them the meadows green!158
The pure, free air of heaven,159
And see, if they’re unclean!160
XXIII.
“Of all my herd of kindred,161
The fairest one was I,162
For none so sleek, and round of flank,163
And none so long of thigh.164
In my promising proportions,165
My mother’s heart rejoiced,166
And oft would, gazing on me,167
Her dear old eyes grow moist.168
XXIV.
“And, gently my snout caressing,169
Old tales she would croon to me,170
Of what my fathers once had been,171
What I should try to be.172
Bidding me solemnly promise,173
To make my life’s chief aim,174
To live that I might worthy die,175
Of the old Westphalian fame.176
XXV.
“And thus lived I, and thus grew I,177
Until the hour came nigh,178
When, in the fulness of my prime,179
They led me forth to die.180
Around me pressed my kindred,181
Bitter the tears they shed,182
But I walked proudly smiling,183
Erect and firm my head.184
XXVI.
“You must not weep for me, brethren,’185
I said with cheerful voice,186
‘In the glory that awaits me,187
Rather should you rejoice.188
I face my fate with smiling brow,189
Serene and calm, because190
I die as my fat fathers died,191
Well worthy Orange Sauce.192
XXVII.
“‘And Pig who earns that honour,193
To the highest heaven goes,194
To glades where, ever ripe and sweet,195
The tender acorn grows.196
Where the ground an endless harvest197
Of perfumed truffles yields,198
Ah, golden dream is the good Pig’s life,199
In these elysian fields.200
XXVIII.
“‘And I too soon shall go there,201
And I shall taste those joys,202
The food that never surfeits,203
The wash that nevercloys.204
Yes, to those fairy regions,205
My soul must go perforce,206
For who would ever eat my Ham,207
Without the Orange Sauce!208
XXIX.
“And thus I died, my Ham stands there;209
Look on it and declare,210
Hast seen a flank more noble,211
Hast seen a Ham more fair?212
Yet you would bring dishonour213
On me, without remorse,214
And eat it, sacrilegious wretch!215
Without the Orange Sauce! ”216
XXX.
And here the spectre bent its head,217
Its eyes like red coals grew,218
And its white tusks fiercely baring,219
Full at the host it flew.220
Another moment in his gore,221
He would have lain, a corse,222
And others might have ate that Ham,223
And perhaps, with Orange Sauce.224
XXXI.
But at that moment, at the door225
There came a sudden tap,226
And the spectre vanished in thin air,227
With a noise like thunder-clap.228
XXXII.
Whilst pale and trembling stood the host,229
As he drew a long, long breath,230
And thanked his stars for his near escape231
From the jaws of an awful death.232
XXXIII.
At the opened door a servant stood,233
A letter in his hand;234
Quick seized the host the envelope,235
Quick its contents he scanned,236
And then he shouted “Victory! ”237
And a long, loud laugh laughed he,238
For there in his hand he held it,239
The sore-missed recipe.240
*****
XXXIV.
The guests arrived, a merry throng,241
And their eyes gleamed at the sight242
Of that table, fair with fruit and flowers,243
With plate and crystal bright.244
And soon arose a clatter,245
Of plates and knives and forks,246
Mingled with merry laughter,247
And bursting of many corks.248
XXXV.
Till, making a sign of silence,249
Solemn, up rose the host,250
And told them the strange story251
Of the sauce and the warning ghost.252
And the Ham was carved, and all present253
Partook of its flesh, of course,254
’Midst cries of approbation,255
With the glorious Orange Sauce!256
And draining many a bumper,257
Each guest there loudly swore,258
Such perfect Ham down mortal throat259
Had never passed before.260
Moral.
When you eat a fine Ham, eat it with Orange Sauce, and thus, while gratifying your own palates, you will be performing a grateful
act of justice to the spirit of the animal, who, as would appear from the foregoing, is actuated in life by a nobler
purpose than humanity usually gives him credit for.
