Betsy and I Are Out.
Draw up the papers, lawyer, and make them good and stout ;1
Things at home are cross-ways, and Betsy and I are out.2
We who have worked together so long as man and wife,3
Must pull in single harness the rest of our natural life.4
“ What is the matter ? ” say you. Ah well, that’s hard to tell !5
Most of the years behind us have passed by fairly well ;6
I’ve loved no other woman—she no other man,7
But it seems we’ve lived together as long as we ever can.8
So I have talked with Betsy, and Betsy has talked with me,9
And we have told each other we can never more agree.10
Not that we charge on the other any terrible crime ;11
But for years has this been gathering, a little at a time.12
To begin with, there was temper : we both had that for a start—13
Though we never had suspected ’twould rend us two apart ;14
I had my various failings, bred in both heart and life ;15
And Betsy, like all quick women, was somewhat given to strife.16
The first thing I remember on which we disagreed17
Was something concerning Heaven—a difference in our creed.18
We argued the thing at breakfast—we argued the thing at tea,19
And the more we argued the question, the less did we agree.20
And the next that I remember was when we lost a cow ;21
She had died quite unexpectedly—the question was only—How ?22
I held to my own opinion, and Betsy another had ;23
And when we had done disputing, we both felt rather mad.24
And the next fall-out that came, it was started in a joke ;25
But full a week it lasted, and we neither of us spoke.26
And the next was when I scolded because she broke a bowl ;27
And she said I was mean and stingy, and could not have any soul.28
And that china bowl kept bringing dissensions in our cup ;29
And that poor old cow was always on each side coming up ;30
And the Heaven we argued so much about no nearer to us got,31
But it gave us a taste of something that surely of Heaven was not.32
And so the thing kept working, lawyer, and always the self-same way ;33
Always something to argue, and something sharp to say :34
And in would come the neighbours, a contending army strong,35
And lend their kindest service to urge each side along.36
And there have been days together—and many a weary week,37
When both of us were angry, and both too proud to speak :38
And I’ve been thinking and thinking, the whole of the Spring and Fall,39
If we can’t live kindly together, why, better not live at all.40
And so I have talked with Betsy, and Betsy has talked with me,41
And we have agreed together, that we shall never agree ;42
And what is hers shall be hers, and what is mine will be mine,43
And you’ll put that in the agreement, and give it to us to sign.44
Write on the paper, lawyer—the very first paragraph—45
Of all the farm and live-stock, that she shall take her half :46
For she has helped to earn it, through many a weary day,47
And it’s nothing more than justice that Betsy should have her pay.48
Give her the house and homestead—a man can go out and roam ;49
But women are helpless creatures, unless they have their home.50
And I have always determined, and never failed to say,51
That Betsy should not want a home, when I was taken away.52
There’s a little handful of cash that brings in yearly pay ;53
A few hundred pounds, or so, laid by for a rainy day :54
It’s safe in the hands of substantial men, and easy to get at ;55
Put in another clause, if you please, and give her half of that.56
Yes, I see that you smile, sir, at my giving her so much ;57
I might have made lower terms ; but I take no stock in such.58
True and fair I married her, when she was blithe and young,59
And Betsy was always good to me, except that she had her tongue.60
I then was young as you are, though not so smart, perhaps :61
For me she threw over a lawyer, and other dandy chaps ;62
And all of them were flustered, and fairly taken down,63
And I for a time was counted the luckiest man in town.64
Once, when I had a fever—I shall never forget the time—65
I was not myself, I think, and my hands were like heated lime ;66
Never a minute went by that Betsy was out of sight ;67
She nursed me with tender care, and sat by me day and night.68
And if ever a house was tidy, and ever rooms were bright,69
Her house and rooms were always that, no matter how clear the light :70
No, I do not complain of Betsy, or any of her acts,71
Excepting when we’ve quarrelled, and told each other facts.72
So draw up the draft of the deed, lawyer ; and I’ll go home to-night,73
And read the agreement to her, and see if she finds it right ;74
And then I’ll see about selling the half of the stock I keep ;75
And out in the world I’ll go, alone, and with weary feet.76
And one thing put in the paper ; it before to me didn’t occur :77
That when she hears of my death she shall bring me back to her,78
And lay me under the yew-tree I used to think so blithe79
When she and I were happy, before we thought of strife.80
And when she dies herself, I’d ask her to lie by me,81
And, lying together in silence, we doubtless must agree.82
And when we meet in Heaven, we’d not perhaps think it queer83
If we loved each other better, for that we have quarrelled here.84