Lieutenant Luff.

All you that are too fond of wine,1
Or any other stuff,2
Take warning by the dismal fate3
Of one Lieutenant Luff.4
A sober man he might have been5
Except in one regard6
He did not like soft water,7
So he took to drinking hard.8
Said he, let others fancy slops,9
And talk in praise of tea,10
But I am no Bohemian,11
So do not like Bohea :12
If wine’s a poison, so is tea,13
Though in another shape ;14
What matter whether one is killed15
By canister or grape ?16
According to this kind of taste17
Did he indulge his drouth,18
And being fond of port, he made19
A port-hole of his mouth !20
A single pint he might have sipped,21
And not been out of sorts ;22
In geologic phrase, the rock23
He split upon was quarts !24
To “ hold the mirror up to vice”25
With him was hard, alas !26
The worse for wine he often was,27
But not “ before a glass !”28
No kind and prudent friend he had29
To bid him drink no more :30
The only chequers in his course31
Were at a tavern door !32
Full soon the sad effects of this33
His frame began to show,34
For that old enemy the gout35
Had taken him in toe !36
And joined with this an evil came37
Of quite another sort,38
For while he drank, himself, his purse39
Was getting “ something short.”40
For want of cash he soon had pawned41
One-half that he possessed ;42
And drinking showed him duplicates43
Beforehand of the rest.44
So now his creditors resolved45
To seize on his assets,46
For why, they found that his half pay47
Did not half pay his debts.48
But Luff contrived a novel mode49
His creditors to chouse,50
For his own execution he51
Put into his own house !52
A pistol, to the muzzle charged,53
He took devoid of fear,54
Said he, “ This barrel is my last,55
So now for my last bier.”56
Against his lungs he aimed the slugs,57
And not against his brain ;58
So he blew out his lights, and none59
Could blow them in again !60
A jury for a verdict met,61
And gave it in these terms :62
We find as how as certain slugs63
Has sent him to the worms.”64