BETA

The Squire
at Vauxhall.

“ I have a reasonable good Ear in Music ; let us have the Tongs and the Bones.”
Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Nothing so idle as to waste1
This Life disputing upon Taste ;2
And most—let that sad Truth be written—3
In this litigious Land of Britain,4
Where
each one holds “ It seems to me”5
Equivalent to Q. E. D.,6
And if you dare to doubt his Word7
Proclaims you brainless or absurd.8
And then, too often, the Debate9
Is not ’twixt First and Second-
rate,10
Some narrow Issue, where a
Touch11
Of more or less can’t matter much,12
But, and this makes the Case so
sad,13
Betwixt undoubted Good and Bad.14
Nay,—there are some so strangely
wrought,—15
So warped and twisted in their
Thought,—16
That, if the Fact be but confest,17
They like the baser Thing the
best.18
Take Bottom, who for one, ’tis
clear,19
Possessed a “ reasonable Ear ;”20
He might have had at his Command21
The Symphonies of Fairy-Land ;22
Well, our immortal Shakespear owns23
The Oaf preferred the “ Tongs and
Bones !”24
Squire homespaw from Clod-Hall rode
down,25
As the Phrase is— “ to see the Town ;”26
(The Town, in those Days, mostly lay27
Betwixt the Tavern and the Play.)28
Like all their Worships the J.P.s,29
He put up at the Hercules ;30
Then sallied forth on Shanks his
Mare,31
Rather than jolt it in a Chair,—32
That curst, new-fangled Little-Ease,33
Which knocks your Nose against your Knees.34
For the good ’Squire was Country-bred,35
And had strange Notions in his Head,36
Which made him see in every Cur37
The starveling Breed of Hanover ;38
He classed your Kickshaws and Ragoos39
With Popery and Wooden Shoes ;40
Railed at all Foreign Tongues as Lingo,41
And sighed o’er Chaos Wine1 for Stingo.42
1 Query, Cahors.
Hence, as he wandered to and
fro,43
Nothing could please him, high or
low.44
As Savages with Ships of War45
He looked unawed at Temple-Bar ;46
Could scarce conceal his Discontent47
With Fish-Street and the Monument ;48
And might (except at Feeding-Hour)49
Have scorned the Lion in the Tower,50
But that the Lion’s Race was run,51
And for the Moment there was none.52
At length, blind Fate, that drives us all,53
Brought him at Even to Vauxhall,54
What Time the eager Matron jerks55
Her slow Spouse to the Water-Works,56
And the coy Spinster, half-afraid,57
Consults the Hermit in the Shade.58
Dazed with the Din and Crowd, the ’Squire59
Sank in a Seat before the Choir.60
The Faustinetta, fair and showy,61
Warbled an Air from Arsinoë,62
Playing her Bosom and her Eyes63
As Swans do when they agonise.64
Alas ! to some a Mug of Ale65
Is better than an Orphic Tale !66
The ’Squire grew dull, the Squire grew
bored ;67
His Chin dropt down ; he slept ; he
snored.68
Then, straying thro’ the “ poppied
Reign,”69
He dreamed him at Clod-Hall
again ;70
He heard once more the well-
known Sounds,71
The Crack of Whip,
the Cry of
Hounds.72
He rubbed his
Eyes, woke up,
and lo !73
A Change had come upon the Show.74
Where late the Singer stood, a Fellow,75
Clad in a Jockey’s Coat of Yellow,76
Was mimicking a Cock that
crew.77
Then came the Cry of
Hounds anew,78
Yoicks ! Stole Away !
and harking back ;79
Then Ringwood leading
up the Pack.80
The ’Squire in Trans-
port slapped his
knee81
At this most hugeous
Pleasantry.82
The sawn Wood followed ; last of all83
The Man brought something in a Shawl,—84
Something that struggled, scraped, and squeaked85
As Porkers do, whose tails are tweaked.86
Our honest ’Squire could scarcely sit87
So excellent he thought the Wit.88
But when Sir Wag drew off the Sheath89
And showed there was no Pig beneath,90
His pent-up Wonder, Pleasure, Awe,91
Exploded in a long Guffaw :92
And, to his dying Day, he’d swear93
That Nought in Town the Bell could bear94
From “ Jockey wi’ the Yellow Coat95
That had a Farm-Yard in his Throat !”96
Moral the First you may discover :97
The ’Squire was like Titania’s lover ;98
He put a squeaking Pig before99
The Harmony of Clayton’s Score.100
Moral the Second—not so clear ;101
But still it shall be added here :102
He praised the Thing he understood ;103
’Twere well if every Critic would.104
Austin Dobson.